| Tuesday, August 17, 2004
[laughs] You're kidding me, right? I'm sorry, but out of all that crap before, this has got to be tops. If you decide to go for someone else, hey, it's pretty much expected courtesy to tell your boyfriend that it's over before you do. And it just kind of disgusts me how flagrant you're being--not only can you not even last a month between boyfriends, but you've got the audacity to blab about it as if it's something you're excited and proud of. And in about two weeks you're gonna give me that same "Closer to God" bullshit. How can you claim to have a true faith in a religion when you constantly use it as an excuse for your faults and wrongs?
So anyway, over, completely. That's the last you'll have to read about her ever.
What have I been doing lately? Installed sound card, did I mention that already? Hrmm...
Well this weekend went to the Raiders-Niners preseason game with Josiah, his dad, and Josiah's church friend Winton (who is leading me by 7 games... curses!) Yeah, so it was a pretty awesomenation game. Really rowdy, though... there were two fights--just in our section... Oakland finally won, 33-30 on a fieldgoal!!! Weee... Things were really expensive at Candlestick--$6.25 for garlic fries! Eeek!
Yeah... so now starting on a project to paint our house... aurgh... It's going to be a dark lime green of sorts... man so i'm going to now have to spend the next week or two painting [groans]
Mmmm while at the new Best Buy (at the Metro Mall) today they had these shiny new black and white Beetles parked outside, emblazoned with a "Geek Squad" logo on the side!!! Ahw man... I wanna work at Best Buy just so that I can drive that car.... So cool.
Hrmm... I also saw a movie called "Dopamine" at Blockbuster today... It's exploring the chemical/chemistry complex of love. Sounds so interesting... But I guess I've gotten on the wrong chemical bandwagon this whole time. I really wanna see it!!! Hrmm maybe tomorrow.. Anybody wanna come over and watch it with me?
Friday, August 06, 2004
Yes well sorry about that--just needed to vent. Does anyone else think that any premeditated crimes should receive the death penalty? I think so. That would solve so many of societies problems. Like a One Strike, You're Out law...
Alrighty, well today, had an Extreme Makeover: Nathan's Computer Edition...
First, I ran down to Derek's house to borrow his thermal paste tube.... mmmm Arctic Silver... Okay well first the background: my computer has been pretty wonky for awhile--random reboots and the like. My two theories were that either something was overheating or that i had a bad power supply. I bought a new power supply (Antec 330 watt), which didn't solve the problem... So, my next suspicion was the CPU overheating--i then found out that my dad had not actually used the thermal paste that came with the heatsink/fan, but some sort of "thermal grease" that was never meant to be applied to a CPU... so I've been waiting (actually, just too lazy) to get that fixed... And I finally opened up my case today to install my sound card, and i figured that i might as well do it at the same time... So Derek happened to have a tube of thermal paste from his overclocking endeavour....
Mmmm... so the first part was getting the heatsink/fan unclamped. I swear, Socket A has the worst heastsink locking mechanism ever devised. So i had to use one screwdriver to push the clamp down and the other to lever the thing out... I almost nicked my mobo PCB a couple of times--thank goodness for that plastic shield next to the heatsink. Well i finally got it off, and it was ghastly... [Darn I should've taken a picture] It was all crusty and clay-like... it had all hardened... Anyhoo, i put some alcohol on it and rubbed most of it off with a napkin, and applied the thermal paste, which was hard to rub on to the entire thing. I was using an old plastic card, and it kept scraping instead of smoothing. Well I finally got about 90% of the die cover, at which point i just gave up and put the heatsink on top of it, hoping that it would smooth out once i turned it on... The result--a whopping 15 farenheit degree temperatue drop... From 116-118 (47C) to (currently) 102 (39C). Truly amazing. No spontaneous reboots so far. Thanks a bunch Derek!
Next was installing the sound card. My dad had gotten the Audigy 2 ZS Gamer ($100-30 rebate... $70 not too bad a price, but i would've been happy with a $40 audigy... But i guess it also makes up for it with $30 worth in five games... And a sound card is something you can keep for a long while--gasp i hope PCI Express doesn't is backwards compatible) So yes... It has a black PCB!!! How cool is that? Hrmmm, so installed that, and while i was putting it in, the UPS guy came with my new Logitech Z3 speakers!!! What great timing...
Well, previously I had the Logitech Z540s, an average 4.1 set. A major improvement over the ancient mid-90s generic $5 speakers (Okay, so back then they were probably hi-tech for computer speakers {audio processors weren't quite as advanced as they are now, and few things required nice sound, so an expensive speaker set for the comp was pretty unimportant)... yes, well then a few months ago my dad went out and bought the Z540s, which I guess weren't bad for $30... I remember i was sorta upset at the time, though, because I was holding out till I saved up enough to buy both an Audigy and the Z3s myself... i was just beginning to work at Lipman tutoring the kiddies at the time. Yes well, the Logitech Z3s were the speaks I had been wishing for the entire time... They just instantly caught me that first time I saw them at CompUSA (and doesn't everything originate there?) Yes... so they have a very nice faux-wood (haha, okay... but at least they're not particle board painted black) with aluminum... THey look very nice and sound even nicer. haha... THey even have a control pod with a headphone jack... and the volume knob turns especially nicely... mmmm... Z3s....
Yes, well... the sound improvement wasn't as huge as the CPU temperature, but it turned out pretty good. Music playing sounds marginally better, though I think this is more a result of the speakers than the sound card. Before it used to be really distorted at certain levels (it was especially bad with piano sounds), and now everything sounds pretty good, and it has especially nice bass with teh subwoofer. On games, i guess it really depends on whether or not they support EAX, and how it's implemented. I played Medal of Honor and Madden 2004, neither of which supports EAX, and they both sound the same. Halo sounds exactly the same, but Jedi Outcast sounded a lot nicer with EAX enabled...
Hrrrmmm so bored yet? Yes well I guess I'm done for the night. Josiah came back today. Yah! Michelle also *tried* to talk to me online today... and what about what you've been doing the past few weeks, eh? The audacity. Have it your way, then.
Oh yes, and had a very enlightening conversation with Katie about Macs. She's an avid Mac user. I didn't know that... wow. Hrmm, and i respect her computing prowess, despite the fact that she has an entirely mac household. I'm going to have to reformulate my views on mac users... Old schoolers clinging to an OS which has long abandoned them to cater to a slightly less intelligent crowd, media wizards (heavy into music/video content and editing)... Hrmm and she also mentioned her dad using macs at work--which i can see for media use, but for anything else, can't picture it. Must pontificate this some more over sleep...
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Fucking shit(s).
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HRmmm.... well the past two days, I have actually Gone out of the House! Amazing, ae? Well on Tuesday, I found out that Jason Liu, Samuel, Jasmine, and Lester Lowe had been working down at the park 'n rec at Lincoln Park for awhile... Being bored as I was at home and not having seen any of them all summer, I decided to take a walk down there, which I believed was in walking distance... By the third block, I was wishing I had brought my bike or scooter or something. It ended up being TEN WHOLE BLOCKS!!! Can you believe that? Hrmm, I'm going to time how long I take... Haha, I need to get out more and walk...
So anyway, once I got there they were all playing dodeball, which is a lot more dangerous than anyone might think. Those kids have some awesome power and uncanny accuracy. I finally seized respite in the form of a folding chair fort defense, in which I took a few chairs from the corner and folded them up into a bunker... hahaha.. (Hey... it was like 30 vs. 7...) Then made sand castles, and a bunch of other stuff... Oh yes and got spun around to near-hurling levels by Jason on that tire wheel... urgh... i can still feel those aftereffects.
And yesterday, I went to my long awaited Free Admission Wednesday Zoo Trip! Unfortunately, everyone i asked was either busy, out of town/state, or didn't call back... The only person that came with me was Joey, and we spent an O-K day at the zoo.... We got lost quite a few times and kept ending up back at the Lemur habitat. Most of the animals were pretty boring (or bored?), except for these meerkats and prarie dogs in the Childrens' Zoo, which were extremely active.... (poor things, trying to dig under the glass frame to get out of the exhibit.) Anyhoo, we spent most of the time there in search of the elusive "Zonkey," or, as I prefer, Zebkey. Tiffany Van was telling me about it beforehand... it was supposed to be a half-breed between a Zebra and Donkey... After which we had an argument about what the proper name should be, and I came up with all sorts of examples, such as how mules are not called "Honkeys" or "Dorses" but are actually Horkeys or Donses... or mules, whatever floats your boat. Anyhow, Joey and I searched all day for the Zonkey, but couldn't find one (we did, however, find a Zebra that had rolled in the dirt alot, and had a very brownish-white color to it)
Afterwards, we went down to the beach... hrmm, i wanna go there more often. It is pretty littered and disgusting though, but that ocean is very nice... After which we got bored, and attempted to find a bus to take us to Stonestown--and subsequently got lost. Thankfully, we found a Muni bus stop, with, get this--a map of San Francisco!!! Yes, so, we had started on 47th street (the beach), and came all the way to Sunset... or around 37th i think. Stonestown was on 19th. So we were about to walk all the way to Stonestown (Joey had this crazy idea that "hey, we could walk to Lake Merced, and from there Westlake isn't that far, and Westlake isn't that far apart either from the Daly City Bart Station, and from there we could walk home..ai-ya) On the way there we got to this Lakeshore Plaza, and ended up waiting there for my mom to pick us up. We stopped by a Gamestop (oh, the console madness... in this one, PC games didn't even have any wall-space, we were relegated to a mere cart... shakes head).... I did find, however, an N64 Transfer Pack for only 99 cents! Joey told me that i could play my Game Boy Games on the N64, but so far i haven't found a way to get that to work. Ois wells. Then my mom came and picked us up, and that was it.
So yes, not that fun and exciting, but at least I went out. Can't wait until Josiah gets back....
Monday, August 02, 2004
Okay... Well, let's have an update on the past week... On what I did, not just the things that are on my mind...
Well last... Wednesday I believe, I went out (for the first time in a while) with Tina... Tina's brother... Tina's brother's friend... and Joanna.. Yeah... so finally saw Joanna for the first time this summer and Tina for the first time since a very long while ago.. Watched The Bourne Supremacy and Anchorman... which were okasy i guess... Hung out in the arcade and watched Tina and Joanna play that hand-waving game... lol.. Tina flapping her hands like a bird... priceless. Yeah, so then they left... Oh did i mention that I rode the bus there! Yeah, i rode it all the way there and back! So cool...
Hrmm so now reminscing about the middle school days... talking to Katie and she's bringing up some startleling news.. I wish I could go back... and do everything different. Stop being so geeky... Did I type this post before? Seems very familar... Hrm well anyway... I had a dream last night about Samantha... Samantha Pranatadjaja... It was just... weird... And then I came to this party that she was at... and we went off to this secluded beach holding hands... and then all of a sudden i get ambushed and beat up by these guys that keep saying i don't belong with her.... gosh I even dream about being downtrodden.... But that was probably sparked by watching The Butterfly Effect earlier, and with the frat-boy scene mixed up with that ambush scene... I guess I really doted a lot on girls back in middle school (of course you did, dummy) I wish I could go back and relive it again, I really do... Besides the whole being so geekily unpopular as to repel all girls, i guess i'd want to redo our school "newspaper"... It was a major improvement over what all the other kids did, but I wish that I could have taken it to so much more... now Mr. Conti (the principal and journalism teacher) is gone, and they don't even have a journalism elective anymore. Yechk... Well I'm talking to Katie... and she's just told me that Melody and Michelle Lin did in fact have a crush on me.... gir i can't believe it... gosh... [scratches head]... Hrrmm.... well like she said it's way too late now.. it's been two years. Part of me wants to run down to Lick-Wilmerding (the fact that the school is closed over the summer notwithstanding) and see Michelle again... I haven't seen her since I graduated... Gosh must be the rebound.... [shakes head] But anyhow, it is nonetheless so flattering to know that I was not such a loser back in middle school... I'm actually feeling happier now just knowing that than sad because i missed that chance...
ai... so, after that little detour... on friday dad came how with.... [drumroll] a Seagate 120GB hard drive WITH 8mb cache and a [pause for climatic buildup] A CREATIVE LABS SOUND BLASTER AUDIGY 2 ZS GAMER!!!! WOWWWWW.... EAX 4.0 support, 7.1 speaker setup, and five games: Lara Croft (pfft), Halo (the pc/console/pc again game... we'll see how it goes), Splinter Cell (hrmmm Thief-esque?), Rainbow Six game (too complicated for me--can't we just run, gun, and snipe?), and Dark Forces IV: Jedi Knight III: Jedi Outcast II: Jedi Academy (was that really necessary?) Well yes, so installed the hard drive (on my brother's computer--curse my IBM Deskstar with it's puny 80 GB capacity and 2 mb cache), and still waiting on a rebate i presume for the Audigy--2! ZS! Oh yes and I ordered my favorite Logitch Z3 speaks... heaven! [minus the girl]
Oh yes, and I have started on my computer article... doing a very large story detailing the hows of building a computer, and also component selection, description, and explanation of all the technology and specs... Finished the CPU, and it's 10 pages already.. gotta cut it down to fit into the paper...
Hrmm... and on Saturday, JOSIAH CAME BACK!!!! He was in Arizona for about a week... Yeah... so i called him, and it turned out that he was having a party.... yeah, so i went after i ate dinner, and got there at 8:30, just as everyone else was leaving... haha, so i stayed and chatted and we watch the Cards come back from 8-0 to 8-7 (on Herges' near-blown save, no less), but they lost it... gawwww... Well now he's off to a cruise along the baja californian coast... So yeah... But that was great... My first truly fun night all summer, just hanging out with Josiah for about 2 hours...
Well that's it for now... Pretty good post today... Time to sleep now... but going to the zoo on wednesday! Weeee.... Anybody wanna come... oh, right... but this probably won't be out in time.. aii okasy then.. G'night sweet angels and daemons!
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Okay, my dilemma now (besides that other thing with that other guy) is how to face up when it's actually you're the one that's wrong.. I mean, like.. ugh i said "like" again. Must stop... But, before, it was always so clear-cut. Like, last summer--she dumped me for another guy, and didn't say anything... So then, when I came back to school, the way I hated her was fully justified, because she was so far out in the wrong, while I had done nothing.. Over winter break, it was the same thing all over again, and that time she just lied to me directly, said it wasn't true at all...
But now, this time.. It is my fault, for the most part. Well--i'm not sure... The reason why we're falling apart--is it because I'm still not over things that happened in the past? [Should I be?] Or is it because we've hardly talked or seen each other at all this entire summer? Or just that, for us, it was all based on the physical aspects, and once we were seperated, we couldn't keep our relationship because, without that aspect, there really was never a relationship. It makes it hard, especially when trying to decide what to do, because I don't know if i'm completely right, or... at least not guilty of doing anything wrong.. If that's the case, then I wouldn't feel right at all about breaking up, when I was the cause of it.. It would be like, the person in the relationship who is cheating, is the one who dumps the other one.. That's just wrong.
I've kind of known for a long time... since last summer probably, that it won't work out and i guess i have to take advantage of my bitterness to make this deciscion, while i can still make it without being back at school and having my feelings clouded.. because if i don't, and i get back to school, it'll eventually go back to where we're together again... just the same cycle of drama and breaking up and making up... and it's just best to move on and find our own lives, i guess.
Aiis that's it for now. Chaos Theory and Conservation of Energy... The Apocalypse is coming folks... Just give it a few dozen billion earth years...
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It's August. One more month until school. I've been kicking it into high gear the past week. Finished up Fast Food Nation pretty quickly and then started A Lesson Before Dying and also my massive Computer guidebook... article. Yeah. Ten pages thus far for my first part, the CPU section. Yikes. Well gotta get it cut down to at least 5, and then on to mobos & memory, videocard, hard/optical drives, and then i guess a miscellaneous audio article.. echk i dunno. I'm guessing i won't finish the whole set by the end of the year, and by then technology would have rapidly changed. Maybe I should've picked something more stable--like the explanation of baseball statistics. But I doubt anybody'd be interested in that.
Oh yes and I am so over Michelle. Notice that I haven't talked too much about her lately? Exactly. So.. found a new guy already... I've decided that I won't care, because in the end, it's not going to matter anyway. A year from know (hopefully), the only difference getting mad or caring at all will make is that for about a month we'll both be at each others's throats. Not worth it. Just not worth it.
not a good writing day i guess...
Friday, July 23, 2004
Well, that's the end of my semi-weekly summer-night trips to city college. For this year, anyhow. Well my entire relationship with Michelle has been shot to hell, to the point past any reconciliation--mostly due to my actions. I've been pretty much a jerk to her all week... and it's not making me feel any better to admit it. After she in essence announced what she planned to do, I became pretty hysterical and panicked... I guess I felt annoyed, at first, at the fact that she just had to tell everyone on her site, and that that was how I found out about it. Somethings should just be in person... But heck, I guess I'm being pretty candid here--in retaliation?
Well there are four stages of tragedy: Denial, Anger, Desperation, and then Depression... which in the end results in a prolonged and deep depression which stays with the person forever, or a gradual acceptance that things happen and that it's o.k. to move on. Guess which person I am? Well denial and anger were over quick enough--i guess this week was desperation. Despite nowing it for awhile, and thinking that i was prepared to take that step, in reality i was nowhere near ready to actually endure another dumping and abandonment like last summer. So I avoided her, purposefully. I was so terrified that she would just tell me and then be gone, like last year that I wanted to stall it for as long as possible, so that at least we could do it in person, as all relationships should end. So that lead to me not turning on my cell phone in the morning (which wasn't really anything different because nobody had called in about 3 weeks--in addition, we slow the inevitable energy loss due to thermal energy conversion. Gosh my sense of humor sucks.) And every time she would log on, I'd cringe and hope that she would not message me and tell me online. It got up to the point that i just blocked her account for peace of mind. Which was all extremely immature and childish. I should've just sucked it up and took it-if she really wanted to do it that way, like last year, then it's not something i can change... Right now I guess I am supposed to call her once i have finally decided what to do/get over my nervous silence on the phone. But i really don't want to. I don't know if she really realizes what happened last year, how she just left me out here, not seeing her, not even hearing from her. And all the while hearing about her new boyfriend. So I guess I've decided to wait until I get a chance to actually see her in person. And I want to be able to have a talk about it... not just "Okay, so it's over. i gotta go now." Aiii... and nobody new.. Not going to find a new girlfriend, or anything close to that, until we're well out of each others lives. (presumably when we leave high school). At this point, i wouldn't really care so much if she did--but i know how much it killed me when i found out. Which brings me to something i have to admit...
The past 3 weeks (coincidence?) I've been enamored with this girl--woman, actually-in my class at city college. Her name was Elaine. Call it rebounding, call it desperate loneliness, or maybe it was just the fact that she just seemed so perfect. She had that subtle kind of beauty, not the kind of drop dead gorgeous "hotness" (I can't believe I had a whole discussion with Joanna on defining these terms), but that kind of homely face and dress style... just something that made me stop dead in my tracks nonetheless. Kind of like a mandarin Rachel Weisz (and no, not every pretty person is now a [insert adjective] Rachel Weisz after I watched Runaway Jury, guys. Actually the story is that i noticed her in class one day, and she just reminded me of Rachel Weisz, which subsequently prompted me to rent Runaway Jury. "Lightning, from the top of the clouds." Is Norah Jones great or what? [duct tapes Josiah's mouth] No objections? awesomenation. Anyways... in typical Nathan fashion I was reluctant (terrified, actually) to even talk to her and introduce myself. And in any case, Michelle had not contacted me to break up yet, so in a technical sense we were still attached. So for the past three weeks i've had this infatuation... in which i mostly sat in class daydreaming about her (while she was a seat away, no less) The closest I ever got to talking to her was when I was helping her prep for the final... bumbling around and stuttering nervously while I was showing her what we needed for the final.. Stupid stupid Nathan [bangs head]
Yes well anyway I'm a real fool for even considering such a fantasy in the first place. She's a college girl! Which brings sophistication and maturity (of which the high school westmoor chicks are extremely deficient.) but also a tremendous (and potentially awkward) age gap. (...grrr and if I found out at a later date that she was actually a concurrent enrollment student like me who goes to Lowell...) Well the course is finished now and she's gone. Which is for the best. I just hope that I don't spend the rest of my summer doting on this.. Ai... Well I guess that's all for now. Or maybe I'll comment on that... oouu... Gay Marriage Constitutional Amendment. That really ticked me off, especially some of those things that the senators said. What idiots. It has now renewed my detestation of President Bush (previously my detestation of Kerry put Bush in a brighter light.) Maybe we'll save that for a journalism article...
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Seems she's always beating me to the punch. Apparently she's decided to break up with me, which i guess i've decided a while ago too. [shrug] What's irking me is that she has to just "announce" it to everyone online... And she keeps mentioning that she talks to a "friend" online at night... meaning that it's a guy that's been on her mind for awhile that she kinda semi-likes and she's getting excited about the prospect of now being free to pursue something with him, and she's showing that by mentioning it on her site for no other reason than drawing attention to it... I know how that game goes.
Well that's FIIIINE then, because i'm moving on too. Darn these mood swings. I'm such an emotional mess right now. One minute i'm just moping over this and the next i'm mad, and then the next it doesn't phaze me and i really don't care either way.
I guess I really am on the rebound now, because I'm just thinking about different girls all of a sudden. It's kinda like, I'm so mad at her that i want to do something, like go out somewhere and have fun with a girl, and then make it seem as if it were a date to Michelle. I doubt she'd care though. I dunno.
I can't seem to really write anything meaningful tonight. Really frustrated.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
wakka! Finally, i have a word all my own. I had my trademarked pshaw, which Jonathan takes like everything else, but that wasn't really me anyway. And then I spent a long while stealing Tina's maaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuwwwwwwww, and Joanna's [shakes wobbily fist] so yeah. Go wakkak yourself. Just kidding!
Well today, went out for the first time for a very long while. Kinda at the last minute Josiah told me that he and Terrence were going to see King Arthur. So ya, just tagged along. Such a lame movie--your typical American actionfest wrapped in... you know i'm not really sure. It didn't really envelop me in a setting like Gladiator or even Braveheart. And Braveheart wasn't even CLOSE to realistic. Man this Mozilla Spaceklumpen, i don't know the shortcuts for italics or bold or anything.
Well anyway I think that this supremely depressing summer is driving me to this cynicalism. I hate everything. I hated Branded. All i could think about was how full of nonsense Branded was, and now it's getting to be the same with America is in the Heart and King Arthur, which i just watched today. The Saxon leader had a Texan accent! And Kiera Knightley never developed a relationship with Arthur, they just kinda get into it out of the blue. And the dialogue is so stiff! She gives a pretty lame speech as if she's having a deep spiritual revelation, then jumps on his lap and lifts up her dress. It just incorporates a bunch of battle scenes and swordplay (all unrealistic and pretty lackluster, if you ask me), a bunch of stupid jokes that are SO crude, and it opens up with so many plotlines but never explores any of them. Can't the Saxon have more of a character than ME SMASH ME BURN ME KILL RARGH! How about the power struggle between son and father? It's a bad film, but i don't think I would be so mad about it being so pathetic if it wasn't for this summer. Gargh i'm going crazy.
Yeah well thanks anyway Josiah and Terrence. I'm not sure if anything could cheer me up beyond school starting early. Or something completely romantic (like a summer fling with the perfect girl that i meet one day and then vanishes shortly before school starts... that would be a love story for the movies... mmm) echk well i guess I'm over Michelle. Well I've said that a hundred times before. Why will it last this time? I don't know. Maybe it's going to keep on going like this until we are forced to split after high school or i find someone else that will finally make me realize that no, this isn't as good as it gets, and that there is someone else out there for me... it's a lot of things that are wrong with this relationship... there were some problems from the start, especially with some of the things she kept from me and some of the things she lied about... but i think it was that first summer, when she dumped me for someone else--that's what changed everything. And after that it really wasn't ever the same again.
iono. So i'll just bury myself in seclusion and work the rest of the summer, and emerge from the shadowy depths of my home with 5 issues worth of articles in september... Haha, can't wait...
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Stupid, stupid Nathan... There's a reason you put that quote in your profile... well, Michelle called today to tell me that she was coming over to drop something off... in about 45 minutes. So, hey I guess that means I drop everything that I was feeling for the past week and go into my high anticipation mode. Tried frantically to clean up the pigsty of a house, in vain. And then I ran downstairs to take a quickie shower, which I was still in by the time the doorbell rang. Running up the stairs while drying hair and putting shirt on--not fun and very disorienting. [sigh] well then she came by, dropped off something, and left. All in about 5 seconds. And then I'm left here wondering--that was it?
Iono... not like she could really do anything about it, her mom was waiting outside. I just think that maybe, I'd rather not see her, than have her come by for a second so that I could see her and be reminded and have her just leave again. I'm such a mess right now.
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[Sigh] <---I do that a lot don't I? Iono, seems like my whole life is a plagiarized essay. I don't ever really come up with anything on my own. For example, my [shakes wobbily fist] is just copied from what Joanna and her friends used to do back in freshman year... and a lot of the topics and punch lines i write about are just stolen from songs, books, magazines, etc. I don't know... gosh I'm such a loser.
Hrmmm... well apparently on Monday Josiah went to Serramonte and shopped at the new Hollister store... and Jonathan went out on a psuedo-date (another word that I first heard on the Simpsons and then looked up--see the copying!?!?) with Tracie and Tracie's mom. Thanks, guys. Hope you all had a hell of a lot of fun.
Well hey, I guess my worst fears of summer are coming true, and really, they're all my fault. I could have just shut out my feelings like I did the rest of the year and act like nothing at all was wrong. It's made things a lot smoother in the past. Instead I guess I've decided to just let my feelings out at the worst possible time and we end up like this. Chances are by the end of summer she'll get sick and fed up with all of this drama and find someone else (--Arvin, Paulo???) that's a bit less of a first boyfriend and on the whole, a lot better suited for her. And then I'll just be another ex-boyfriend. I guess maybe that's what I'm hoping for... I don't really know. But maybe it'd all turn out better if someone just forced us apart, because obviously this isn't working out--we're fighting all the time and we're staying together for all the wrong reasons.
So now I guess this particular post has become a rant. While we're on the subject, how about these stupid eProp things? Everybody justs post 2 anyway, no matter the quality of the post, so they're pretty much just pointless. So maybe I'll take up to posting ones or maybe even zeroes.
So now I guess this particular post has become a pointless rant. So I'll just end it here before I bore or hurt someone (or cause the latter as a subsequent result of the former)
Saturday, July 03, 2004
sigh well anyway i've taken up private posting... really kinda down, especially this weekend when nobody is around... so probably you'll see nothing on this site for a few weeks or months (depends on how long this lasts) and then it'll be like BAM! It's TheVede! and a few month's worth of posts will show up suddenly.
I wonder if there's such things as internet cobwebs. That would be pretty cool to add to this site. Anyway well yesterday was Friday. Which is Jonathan's day. My day.. or actually our day (referring to my tenuous girlfriend and I, no wait, that's my tenuous girlfriend and me.) is Wednesday, and I guess that refers to one particular lascivious day afterschool when i missed a QuizKid's meeting to engage in some quality time activities with Michelle. I miss those times.
Well so anyway yesterday was Jonathan's "day", which I guess it is because it was the day that he and his girlfriend Tracie first officially got together. It all happened relatively fast. I didn't even know who Tracie was (turns out she's been in my 4th period PE the whole year) and then the next I see the two of them walking around holding hands. It happened fast. I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen. I'm not really sure what kind of girl Tracie is, but I can already see that Jonathan is going to be a lot like me--he thinks about her so often and is so dedicated and focused on her. If Tracie isn't really all that much as interested in the whole love thing, then I pity for Chee's poor heart. If she is, well then, that'll be an interesting Case Study for Manifesto.
So where was I? So the Friday of yesterday, Jonathan and I were set to embark on our much-awaited journey to Century 20 in a much awaited date with Tracie. In a way, I am so jealous of both Jonathan and Tracie, and Josiah and Joanna. Well anyway as I don't intend for this to be released to the public for a while, I'll assume this will either be over and settled with or come back to bite me in the ass. I'd give anything for a chance to be back where they are, a chance to start all over again, get off on the right foot of that perfect relationship, with the right person this time. I'm pretty sure Josiah and maybe even Jonathan were both jealous of me... hrmm, I'm not sure if jealousy is the right word... it has a negative tone, which isn't what i'm trying to convey. hrmm well anyway, Josiah told me a bunch of times, when I was down about my relationship, about "hey, at least you have a girlfriend." as if having a relationship is definitely better than none at all. I'm not sure if Josiah will ever come around to see the darker side of relationships, because he has such a great attitude toward love. He doesn't dote constantly on it, doesn't ever worry one way or another. It's high school and it's about fun, not the future. And that's a revelation I can't seem to grasp. There's a lot of regrets, a lot of worrying, and definitely a lot of brooding, which is why I think I'm going to die young. One of those guys that contracts a rare disease when I'm 20-something, or just drops dead one day when I'm around my mid-30s. You ever wonder why, with a married couple, when one becomes a widow or widower, he or she dies really soon within the death of the other? Obviously that person becomes extremely depressed, and I think when that happens, it triggers some kind of biological death clock, that the person doesn't want to live and would rather die than suffer the pain of loss. Or, in a bit of a crueler but ultimately more physical manner, a depressed person sits around and does not produce, and is otherwise a worthless mass of carbon that only consumes energy (in food) and does not produce, and thus it is nature's way of weeding out the old and useless.
Man do I digress. Like humans do. I guess it's not really jealousy, I just wish that I had what they have: a chance to experience that first love all over again. Jealousy is when you want to take that something from someone for yourself. My first ever shot at love, it just feels kind of ruined, and I guess I'm sorry about what a tactless way I'm putting it, Michelle, but it's just how I feel. Nobody deserves to have his first ever relationship end so horribly. But my mistake was trying for it a second time, and then over and over again. I think i was trying to be so idealistic, wished so much that I would fall in love with my soulmate that very first time, that I would do anything to make that wish come true. And that meant staying in a relationship that really was never going anywhere. I just wished that I didn't drag both of us through all of this in pursuit of some foolish dream. Maybe if I had just moved on last summer, and not held a grudge, well then just maybe, I could have salvaged a semblance of a friendship, and a little bit of innocence. I'd hate to know that I would never again see the first girl that I ever held hands with, the first girl that I ever kissed, the first girl that I ever did a lot of things with. My first girlfriend.
Oh geez what happened to Friday. That was three paragraphs ago. Well anyway, Jonathan had invited me to chaperone Tracie and him, per request of his mom. Well at first there were a lot of people going, Tracie and him, Tracie's friends, and I also asked Josiah, Joanna, Tina, Michelle, and Aubrey. Well anyway as the day approached a series of unfortunate events occurred. Josiah happened to have a church camp that weekend, and I can understand that--we're just friends so it's not like he has any obligation to spend a lot of time with me and in any case I had seen him probably every week of the summer already and I'm sure to see him over the rest of the summer. Echk well Joanna apparently had Kumon or whatever, and anyway idunno. I never really show up to any events that Joanna invites me to, which is really not many. Oi well Tina couldn't get out of the house because of her parents, which is pretty typical. It kind of gets me annoyed, when parents don't let their kids go anywhere and expect them to be perfectly occupied sitting inside of a house all day. I guess I might be worried someday as a father, but it would really depend on what kind of person my daughter was. Tina, for example, I wouldn't worry so much because she's pretty independent and can take care of herself. She's a bit too much at times, like one time she wouldn't even let me help her carry a pretty big armful of books and a toaster, based on the simple fact that I was a guy, and she wanted to prove that she wasn't some feeble girl who needed a man's help. She's going to drive her first boyfriend crazy. But anyways, in general it's probably a bad idea, because children will get so cooped up in the house all day, and when they finally do get the opportunity to get out, they really go wild because they only get so many opportunities, and they try to make the most out of it. So instead of just holding hands everyday with the occasional kiss under the eyes of the watchful parent, the kid will sneak out and do something crazy like have sex, because if you only get one opportunity every four months to get out or something, you're not going to waste it doing something mundane like holding hands, at least in the lustful mind of most teenagers. I wonder why more parents don't think outside the box--weren't they teenagers once too?
Well Aubrey was about to go with me. I wasn't really sure how Michelle would feel so I asked her a bunch of times over and over again to make sure that it was okay with her. I know that nothing was going to happen even if she did come... but i don't know. I guess if Michelle was going out somewhere with an old guy friend from school then I wouldn't exactly be the most comfortable with it, given the circumstances of the past. But something came up last minute so she couldn't go.
Then, well first of all Tracie's friend couldn't come, and I was feeling pretty disappointed because it would have been horrible to be sitting there all alone watching a romantic movie like The Notebook while Chee and Tracie were sitting next to me in the theater "watching" the movie. At least we could have cast glances at them and poked fun at the cuteness of their relationship, like all relationships. Jonathan's mom came at around 1:15 i guess, and all along the car ride there I had a delightful chat with Mrs. Chee about Jonathan's [nonexistent] hair and buddha camp. Well when we got there we discovered the bad news that Tracie was in fact, not coming. Talk about being ditched. Well not wanting to sit in a depressing theather watching a romantic movie with each other as both our dates had abandoned us (one in advance, and the other on the spot--i wonder which is worse?) we decided to watch Spiderman 2 instead. Once we got inside we discovered the line to be spectacularly long, stretching from the 2nd floor up the staircase and to the 3rd-floor arcade. Well then we exchanged our tickets for a showing of The Terminal, which was the worst decision I made that day.
I won't give away any spoilers and such, and I won't even comment too much into the quality of the movie. I watched an Ebert & Roeper review on a movie I really wanted to see once and it totally spoiled the experience. But it was in fact an even more depressing movie than The Notebook, assuming that the Notebook turns out to be normal chick-flick fare. But I would have loved to see that movie with a girl. I was sitting there all that time wishing that I could just lean over and hold onto a girl's hand. And of course I couldn't do that because on one hand I had Chee and on the other it was a mightily sexy-looking (though still a guy). It was a good movie, I'll leave it at that.
And then came home and started reading America is in the Heart. It's turning out pretty good, maybe because it's an actual story and not some mindless fact droning like Branded... I mean Branded, it doesn't deserve the underline. Truly crapalicious. |
